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Sunday, 26 January 2014

I will be incomplete till the day i complete.

I originally wrote this on 23rd November, 2013.

It’s 3Am, I have an exam tomorrow and I still have too much left to cram but here I am, writing. Sun and Moon in the background. A background score to this. Very fitting.
This year has been very indecisive about how it wants to treat me. Now, I am not saying that I am one of those who sit back and let things happen to her. No pun intended! A lot of jokes have already been played.
I like the sound of typing, right now. Strange. No, i don't do drugs. The year took away a handful from me. . But this year also gave me moments that I am going to treasure for life. I didn’t think I will survive this year. Had a plan. A deal, too. How life turned around seems unreal. Makes me doubt whether all is happening out of pity. A sort of compensation. How bad that would be? But that’s exactly how bad I feel about having all magic around, that I am scared I will somehow find a way to screw it up. If life is infact feeling pity for me, it tarnishes all that’s good and i find that very discomforting. I am living a life of constant fear, now.

 “I am sorry , baby. You’re the Sun and Moon to me....” The happiest moment after a long gap of anything feeling good was him calling from the concert, shouting out my name and saying he loves me. Out of a film, no? This song has always been special, but this day, this gesture made it magical. Like it was planned. Perfectly timed. Could this be true? Was it all planned? Am I thinking too much, again? They made a video of that moment at the concert. I could hear him shout my name in it. I get the goosebumps. Silly? Juvenile? Isn’t that the best kind? I think so, too! He is an expert in making even the dullest of the moments exciting, the faintest of the seconds, memorable and unlikest moments a grand surprise. He cheated, though.No, not in the terrible sense!  He hooked me through his music. The songs he sent. They did the damage. One I am glad about.! “I will never get over you, you’ll never get over me...” Living a life of one who knows nothing about love besides what I have for my parents, snowy and God, I found within the capability to love someone else, too. I don’t mind accepting it, now. I do still mind saying it, though, something I will get used to. I can feel it inside and if I can, then I believe it’s real.

It all started with what I was told. “If you believe in it, you will get it”

Try it. I have. Not that i have too much to convince of it’s ‘power’ but I can assure it won’t hurt. You never know what gets you; never know what works the best for you until you’ve tried it all.
I saw the video again, now. I am remembering how he sounded when he was on the phone. Isn’t it great how someone else’s happiness can become yours, too? Doesn't happen too often.

This brings me to why I am writing tonight. Being happy is scary. Right after a time when the thought of dying was what I slept and woke up to. Strange, that moments can change before you even grasp their meaning. Being happy is what I feel will justify and give respect to and for everything around me right now but also pours a gallon of guilt on the grief I still have within. I don’t want to let that affect what I have right now.
36 days to New Year’s. Change in the date, then, 30 more days.

I am little confused as to where this is going. What I am writing. Why, too. I started with the intent to thank all the good i got and the people and the things I have right now. To tell I love them all. To appreciate them. I was surprised when I did in fact end up getting to know more people than before, talking to more people who are just so different from the ones who walked away. This was or maybe is, now, to thank The Power, The Universe or whatever you believe in, to let me get back on my feet with the help of the gems carved.

Through this, I am also thanking God for standing beside me all through the year. I found the strength.
Having said all and thanked all, the one I have lost will always own a part of me that is never going to anybody. I will be incomplete till the day I complete.
“I am sorry, baby, you were the sun and moon to me. I will never get over you; you’ll never get over me” 

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